Camel in a Body Cast

Cartoon from www.readingjuice.co.uk.

You know that expression "It was the straw that broke the camel's back?"

Well, I'm the camel.

And I'm still having a hard time processing that there really is a "maximum load" for what I am able to handle. But I've been forced to do so in the last few weeks. Since I'll have some time in a body cast while things work themselves out before I can heal, I guess I'll have some time to process everything. But it's still pretty fresh. (I'm hoping this post will help.)

For anyone freaking out right now, this is a metaphorical body cast. I am physically as fine as I ever am. (Actually, better, since I'm 10 lbs. lighter than most of the last year, thanks to the Slique Experience diet I was on.)

So, what do I mean?

Apparently, my plate, or my pack, or whatever, was already as full as it could possibly get before we got a baby in the family. Little did I know.

While I may not have been able to spend extra time on my businesses or the three courses I was taking at the time (working those around the first priorities of family and home school life), I was able to dedicate some time to them every week, and usually every day. (Businesses: Winters Distributing, Young Living, clothing design, and songwriting; Courses: 6-week Songwriting Course with Pat Pattison through Coursera, Portuguese from Mango Languages, and How to Think Sideways 6-month novel writing course from Holly Lisle.) And, other than the time-blitz required for year-end books and taxes that I was in the midst of finishing, I was still able to spend time with my husband in the evenings several nights a week and actually get a decent sleep, for the most part.

Levi changed that.

And I am NOT upset about that. Or him. The whole change was very sudden, not the way it would have worked if I had peed on a stick, praised God for a miracle, and got to spend the next eight months changing my commitments to allow for the extra work of adding a baby into our lives.

In a few days, we just had a baby--verging on a very busy toddler--without much time to think of the repercussions that would result. And, like a stone thrown in a pond that makes the ripples expand outward, we are still finding out where we need to make changes to accommodate this new addition. And, also like the ripples, each new thing seems to be bigger than the last.

Here is what my schedule looked like before Levi:

I know it's too small to read the words, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that the only "unscheduled" time on this 24-hour/7-day schedule is the white stuff, totalling about 23 hours/week--and that was where I had to fit 10 hours/week of office work, time with my husband, extra household projects or needs, and any "down time". (To be fair, the tan-coloured Friday night and Saturday are the times I schedule off as fun time with family and maybe friends--and I clung to that each week, because I was sometimes approaching burnout by the time Friday night came along.)

One of the first things to go was Tuesday night Bible Study (in blue.) We had just finished a study, anyway, so it was a good time to take a hiatus, especially during the first two sleep-deprived weeks until Levi started sleeping through the night.

Fortunately, karate (orange) and piano lessons (light grey on Mondays) both ended within the last two weeks.

However, despite that, the books are stalled at the beginning of September, I haven't touched them for two weeks, and taxes were due almost a month ago. Since I can no longer work on them between lessons with the boys, or during any time period when Levi is awake, the extra time commitment required for them has to go into those white spaces--and frankly, I'm lucky to finish my daily paperwork before my brain turns off and it is time for bed, these days.

Then, two weeks ago, a cold virus hit our house. It was the kind of cold that left you a little sniffly, with a bit of a sore throat, but dead tired. And it recycled itself--you thought you were nearly done after three days, but a few days later you had it back again. Almost all of us got it, including me.

Was the cold the straw that broke me, that made tempers flare all day long, and my kids argue with everything I said, even if I was just trying to help them with math? No. It just accentuated a trend that was already occurring. We were all more tired, and me especially. A tired mama has less emotional energy to begin with, but since I was now spending a good chunk of that energy on meeting the needs of a toddler (thank goodness he's a fairly easy one!), I had less in reserve for handling the two strong-willed boys among the other three when it came to timely completion of schoolwork, or even finishing a math lesson.

Home schooling, which I used to love, became a chore for me. Sometimes I wouldn't get the marking done all week, then I'd pile half of it in front of Jason as I begged him to help with the mountain that had accumulated. Doing dishes by hand (which we have been doing since last November-ish you might recall) became not just a task but drudgery that sucked up any remaining spare minutes I used to have in my day, even with the help that the older three boys and Jason were giving in that regard.

Last Thursday after supper, I gave myself a time-out in my room. An hour and a nap later, I emerged, but sadly, my emotions and temper weren't much repaired. After the boys were all safely in bed, Jason and I had a heart-to-heart, and I shared with him just how desperate I had become.

Of course, he's no blind idiot, and he had seen how much I had been struggling over the last few weeks. He had already been trying to make suggestions, one of which was along the lines of "maybe we should put the  boys in school next year."

My first reaction was to rebel--I firmly, firmly believe in home schooling, and not only that, I love doing it. It had been my first choice since before we had even conceived Jude. "At least until Grade 3", I had said, "depending on need." Jason had went along with it hesitantly at first, but became more of a believer as time went on and he saw the fruit of the individual attention the boys had received in their first few years of academia.

So it wasn't because he thought I was doing a poor job that he had gently suggested the change. That didn't matter--I wasn't ready to listen when he first said it about three weeks ago.

By Thursday, though, after two weeks of meltdowns (several of which were mine), I was ready to entertain it. Even though I brought it up with the request that we look at any other possible alternative first, in my heart, I knew there really weren't any. Not only that, my main reasons for wanting to home school the boys for their first few grades were no longer a concern--they all love reading, love learning, and have fair-to-excellent ratings on the stability of their value systems. Jude and Jabin both thrive in classroom environments, and Noah will likely do okay, especially if he is able to get some extra, individual support. They all want to go back to school, too.

With the mounting pressures--my kids fighting all day at home (with me and each other), wanting to go to school, Jason wanting to send them to school, and my own increasing emotional instability, it was hard to deny that school might really be the best option. But we decided to take some time to pray about it before making a final decision.

Friday afternoon, hiding in my bathroom, I sniffled into the phone, "Mom, I'm breaking..."

Her response was similar to what Jason's had been--I should not feel bad about having to make this change... I was already a Supermom, and most other women wish they could accomplish half as much... It really might be for the best...

Part of my mom's Mother's Day gift for me.

Still, it's hard not to feel like I've failed, at least a bit. I haven't been doing a great job of home schooling for the last month or two. I feel overwhelmed with my "to-do" list all of the time. And if other women I know can home school with toddlers, babies, and grade school children, why can't I handle the addition of a toddler alone?

"You set the bar so high for yourself," Jason says. I need to cut myself some slack, apparently.

Looking at my schedule, and my life, I am trying to. By Saturday, I knew that the kids would definitely have to go back to school--every time I thought of it, I was overcome with relief. I took that as a sign.

I also knew that I needed help now, just to make it through the end of this school year intact.

So, we are working on a few things that will allow that to happen. Even still, last night as I was revamping the rest of the year's science program to make it work, I was still fantasizing about just driving the boys to the school and entering them for the last six weeks of this year... which just seems a little ridiculous. I think there are other, more appropriate solutions to the issue. But still, I took that as a sign.

For now, I may have to allow myself a summer without a garden... or broiler chickens. I haven't decided, but since I've been trying to get to ordering broilers for four weeks, now, and the only time I managed to even dial the phone (with a strange feeling of dread in my heart) the company was too busy to take my call... maybe I should take that as a sign.

I'm not quite sure what the next few months to a year will look like. But for now, despite the relief, I am still grieving the passing of a much-enjoyed chapter of my life. I covet your prayers as I look forward to the best parts of the future chapters, and attempt to see past the mire that is my day-to-day right now.

And thank God that Levi has brought much joy to our household, as well as being the catalyst that brought my house of cards crashing down around me. Maybe I should have made these changes before, I don't know. But now that the need is so glaringly obvious, I think I'd be a fool not to take that as a sign...

Where's a Genie When You Need One?

This afternoon, I overheard my kids indulging in some wishful thinking. It was the, "If you could have three wishes, what would they be?" discussion.

Jude wanted ten billion dollars, to be faster than the speed of sound, and to know everything there was to know about everything. (Not omniscience, just to have all of humanity's accumulated knowledge in his head.)

Noah wanted to have the power of invisibility, to have all the video games in the world (except monster and zombie games), and that everyone would do whatever he said. (He initially expressed this as "That everyone would believe me." Questioning produced clarification.)

Jabin wanted a trillion dollars, super strength, and all the video games in the world (except zombie games, "because of Noah.")

Jude asked Levi what he would wish for. His response was "Aaaah, baah, bah, bah..." He sounded pretty happy just the way he was. :-)

I guess, as an adult, I have become kind of boring. I was thinking about what I, in my heart of hearts, wanted most at 3:00 this afternoon when this discussion was taking place. My top three things were:

1. a nap
2. that all my books and taxes would be finished and filed
3. that my husband and kids would be fulfilled, happy, and blessed.

Is this all I want? No. Don't I have bigger dreams than naps and completed paperwork? Of course I do.

But at 3 p.m., those sounded like the best things to me. Just like a good night's sleep sounds pretty good right now.

So, off I go... because I have a feeling that being well-rested may let my mind ponder those bigger dreams again for a while.

Keep Talking, Baby!

When Levi joined our family, he had already begun to speak a few words: Papa (favourite person, remember?), and also he would want to be held and he would go around pointing at things saying "Zah?" for "What's that?"

Since then, he hasn't tried to say much else... until today. Well, to be honest, I think he said "No" a few days ago when he saw me coming to reprimand him for playing with the water cooler spigots... again. He quickly withdrew his hands, got a serious look, and said, "Noo," ever-so-softly. It was the cutest thing... but didn't stop him from doing it again later!

One of the things that has fascinated him about our house has been all the plants everywhere. Silk or real, I have plants and flowers all over my house, which weren't very prevalent in his previous home. He would point to them, saying "Zah?" over and over again as we answered, "Plant", or "Flower."

Today, while admiring for the umpteenth time the little silk sunflower on a shelf across the hall from where he gets his diaper changed, he said, plain as anything, "Fow". And said it several more times today.

Later, while I was having tea at Amanda's, he said "Pant" while pointing at one of hers (she has them everywhere, too.) He said "pant" a few more times today, too... always with lots of positive reinforcement, of course.

Oh, I just remembered that he has picked up the baby sign for "dog" (panting), and I think he actually has tried to say "dog" a few times, but it hasn't been consistent or clear.

Other signs he has learned are "up" (he had already learned to raise his arms and say "Uh!" for "up" before we got him), "more", and "down". Amazing how only a few words can make communication so much easier... and how him asking to get down makes it much more pleasant to hold him, rather than have him throw himself out of your arms unexpectedly.

Can't wait to hear what he's going to say next! :-)

Settling In

The last two weeks have had their ups and downs, but fortunately, there have been more ups than downs.

Levi is starting to feel more at home, both with us and with the actual house. This was evidenced by how he kept pushing boundaries as much as possible beginning two weeks ago. While this is completely normal for a child that has just learned to walk--since the horizon is suddenly three feet higher--there is even more of this here, since he hadn't had any previous boundaries established at crawling height to start from. Not only that, he is still early in the process of attaching to us as parents, so he is also pushing against our boundaries.

The worst casualties of this experimentation are our school bulletin boards in the hallway, since there was really no place to relocate those things that they would still be useful to us. Several centuries of history have been obliterated from the timelines, and key figures from the early stages of humanity have been demolished. Has anyone you know winked out of existence, lately? If so, my sincerest apologies. ;-)

This week, despite several interrupted nights that have made for long, tiring days for all members of our family (the paper-thin walls, hollow doors, and ankle-high gaps under them in our trailer don't do much to slow down the transference of sound between parts of our house), Levi seems to be fitting in more and more as a family member instead of a guest. Last weekend, Jason and I were discussing how we still felt like the babysitters... this week, I started to feel more like his mom. He would do cute things to get our attention, he would play and wrestle with the boys more, and he would be more easily comforted by Jason and I. He has become less clingy (a sign of a more secure attachment).

We have also seen Levi's natural happy-go-lucky, laid-back personality start to re-emerge, which has made him much more pleasant to be around. The sudden changes in caregivers, diet, and environment combined with teething meant that the first few weeks were mostly spent carrying around a fussy, insecure baby. The shift has been encouraging.

We have also managed to get his diet figured out a little better. We are back in the groove of creating baby food, keeping regular feeding schedules, and have started to work out just how much lactose this baby boy can handle. (Not much. Too much lactose=unpleasant diaper changing experiences.)

Rubber bands--pshaw!! Rules were meant to be broken, right?

Beets=fun baby photos.

Speaking of diapers, I began my adventures in cloth diapering this week. So far, I haven't made Jason deal with any of the cloth ones (oops, except a wet one he took off as he was prepping Levi for bed one night), as there was about a two-month supply of disposables that came along with him we need to use up (so they stop "using up" space in our house!), so he's been in disposables at night. However, cloth diapering is way easier than I thought it would be, and I still haven't even gotten any of those flush-able paper liners for them--although I am looking forward to having them!

I got started fairly cheaply, buying most of what I needed from a friend who is past the baby stage. She had sewn the diapers herself from a kit she bought on Etsy, but had several purchased covers and other accessories that came with the package--all in all, it would have cost well over $350 to buy all that new, and she gave me a super deal at only $50. The diapers are similar to these. So, I only had to buy a few things like new fasteners (bye-bye, diaper pins! Check out the coolness of modern diaper fasteners!) and some boy-themed and slightly larger diaper covers, as the smaller pink hearts she had for her little girl aren't so stylin' on our little man. :-) I was glad to find a SAHM in Grande Prairie with a "local" online business that I could support to fill in the gaps. (www.ClothDiaperKids.com)

Cloth diapering, even only during the day for the last three days, has already had the desired effect--less garbage going out. We went from throwing away a half-to-one 22-L bag of garbage a week B.L ("Before Levi"), to a full (stinky!) one every 2-3 days after we got him, especially when we were working through the teething and lactose issues, to now going back to pretty much what we were at before. We don't have a dumpster or a burn barrel, so disposing of garbage for us is kind of an inconvenience--we have to take it to the local dump for our area, but there are only two time blocks a week that it is open, and it is about 20 minutes away in a direction we rarely travel. We prefer to save it in a couple of garbage bins until they are full, and make the trip every few months. Thank goodness, we won't be filling those up once every two weeks anymore!

Thankfully, we didn't have to sink any money into buying any disposable diapers before I got going on this. A quick trip down the baby aisle at the grocery store reminded me how outrageously priced they are, all to wrap your baby in chemical-laden plastic and paper that is inconvenient to dispose of and harmful for both the baby and the environment! I wish I would have taken the time and energy to figure out cloth with my older three boys. Oh, well... never too late to start, I guess. :-)

Enough about diapers...

In the last two weeks, Levi's preferred form of transportation has gradually morphed from crawling with a few occasional steps to walking full-time. He's getting faster and more stable, but still trips and goes "kerplunk" on his butt fairly frequently. Good thing those cloth diapers offer extra padding! (Okay, last time with the diapers. I promise.)

While most of the excitement in our home has centred on our most recent addition lately, Jude did get to go to his buddy Ethan's birthday party last Saturday. The activity for the party was that Ethan's dad (an accomplished career carpenter) helped the boys create medieval weapons from plywood.

Jude designed a rather menacing-looking sword. And posed with it.

Jude, April 2013 (Age 10)

The more things change, the more they stay the same, right?

Jude, July 2006 (Age 3)